Confessions of a Tes-Lover

In late February, when I wrote my post about ordering my Tesla 3, the world was a different place. Although we vaguely knew there was something going on in China, back then, it didn’t seem like it was going to have much of an impact on us.

Boy were WE wrong.

There are plenty of posts, news items, tweets about the Coronavirus already, so no need to say more. Instead let’s focus on the positive: My induction into the Tesla Lovers’ Club. (Cult? Club?? You be the judge.)

As of today, I have owned my Tesla for one whole month. When I picked it up, my plan was to drive it short distances for a week, get used to its differences and features, then take it for its first long journey: a trip to Massachusetts and back, to visit my family. I had every intention of describing my experience of recharging on the road.

That plan, along with MANY other plans, went poof. Still, there is no shortage of things to say about my new “hot wheels”. Here are some things I have learned, after driving a total of 356 miles (but who’s counting?).

Things I Didn’t Know Before I Ordered
*There is no spare tire. If you have a flat, you call Tesla Roadside Assistance, which is available without charge for the duration of your warranty — 4 years or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first, and at the rate I’m going, we know which one it will be. The Tesla shop sells two different tire repair kits ($25 or $80). I’ve got 4 years to determine whether or not I need to have a do-it yourself option stored on board.

*When your car gets dirty, you have to find either a “touchless” car wash to protect the sensors and cameras, or you’ll be hand washing the exterior yourself. No problem yet. It’s hard to get a car dirty when it spends its days sitting in the garage.

*My (no longer owned) Prius and my husband’s Camry both had built in garage door openers. That feature is not included with the Tesla, but it can be purchased for an additional $300. Even if you purchase it in advance, however, “HomeLink” is not installed when you pick the car up. The good news–when I finally get HomeLink (because I DID buy it)–the garage door will know I’m arriving (or departing) and will automatically open (or close) for me. The side mirrors will fold in, giving me additional space on either side of the garage. I’m sure I’ll appreciate this feature even more when I’m in my 80’s. Let’s hope Homelink gets installed before then.

*Your smart phone functions as your car key, plus you receive a credit card sized back up “key” in case your battery dies. You can also purchase a key fob for $150. So far, the phone has been working just fine for me. I feel like I’m going through a second adolescence, though. My phone has almost become a part of my body. These days, I need to know where my phone actually IS, because you can do so many Tesla functions remotely, using it.

Starting Out
The interior looks VERY different from every car I ever owned. If you’ve never been inside a Tesla, here’s what awaits you. Instead of the usual dashboard, Teslas have a touchscreen that looks very much like an iPad. (Oh yeah, you can buy a charging pad, so you don’t have to have your charger sticking up on the console. )

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The glove compartment includes two manuals: one with safety information, and one on the proper way to be towed, should the need arise. What it did NOT have was what one (“one” in this case being ME) would consider a standard user’s manual. Instead, the manual is “on line”, accessed by pressing the Tesla logo on the top of your touch screen.

If you long for the comfort of those printed pages, you can always download a manual from the internet and print the 230 pages yourself.
I was okay with reading it on-line. And that is what I did, for the five weeks between ordering and delivery. I was like a new mom, awaiting the delivery of her first born, preparing by reading everything available. I must confess, I was almost as excited about THIS delivery as the birth one, plus it was a whole lot less painful, but equally expensive.

What was NOT clear from the manual was how many “self driving” features were included with my long distance model 3, versus the $7,000 upgrade package. Let’s just say that I was pleasantly surprised that I have more features than I expected, which means there were just enough to only mildly terrify me. Of course, you can operate it without activating any of the self driving features, but what fun would THAT be? Here’s a cool example: if I have Assisted Cruise Control activated, and am stopped behind a car at a red light, when THAT car goes, so does my Tesla, without my having to put my foot on the accelerator. Was I surprised the first time that happened? Hell ya.

The Learning Curve
Almost EVERYTHING in a Tesla is different: Opening the car doors, working the radio, adjusting the heat and side mirrors, opening the glove compartment, using–or not using –the brakes, stopping the car from “farting” after you activate that fun feature…

Think I’m exaggerating? Take a look at the recessed door handle. It took me a while to coordinate the “press and pull” maneuver.

And once you’re inside? How do you get OUT? Take a look. Can you find the handle? If you figured out you press that single button on the top of the door, you’re smarter than I. Of course, the flash on my iPhone helped by making the interior look grey. It is actually black, so locating that little button was a bit of a challenge for me– a challenge that I am proud to say I have since mastered.

Almost everything else is controlled by the touch screen to the right of the steering wheel. Some functions can be accessed directly, but others are hidden behind drop down menus. As with everything else, once you learn the menu options, it’s easy. But imagine if you haven’t driven for a while, perhaps because you have been “sheltering in place” for three weeks. What do you think might happen? If you’re like me, your right back well below the midpoint of that learning curve.

Still, it only takes a little practice. Like using the brakes. Or NOT using the brakes, because you don’t have to very often. You just take your foot off what I used to think of as the “gas pedal” and if you had been going slowly, you stop. Right away. If you were whipping along at a nice clip, you slow down a little more gradually. But most of the time you stop without braking at all. As you are slowing down, you are also recharging the battery.

Okay, so I’ve held you in suspense long enough. The farting? All Teslas come with something called “Easter Eggs”. These are little toys that I’ll bet the engineers had great fun creating. Our son, during his elementary school years thought that whoopee cushions were the funniest thing ever. Clearly, so do some of the Tesla engineers, because one of the “Easter Eggs” gets the car to sound like a passenger has eaten three cans of beans. Being the mature adult that I am, I felt compelled to demonstrate this particular feature to a friend. That’s when I discovered how difficult it was to make it stop! But enough of the bathroom humor.

Bottom Line
I LOVE my Tesla. I love that software updates regularly occur over wifi. I love the smooth ride, the amazing acceleration, the ability to warm (and cool) it remotely via my iPhone, the security features, the entertainment options, the maps directing you to charging stations, the list goes on and on. I am looking forward to the day when I can actually GO someplace with it.

Stay safe and sane everyone, and remember all of those who are working every day under very stressful conditions, providing medical care and essential services to us all. Love and virtual hugs all around.